Father, Why Have You Forsaken Me?
by Snape the Betrayer
Summary: Songfic of Carlisle Cullen. Basically, its my take on what could've happened before, during and after his transformation.
1. Mechanical World

_**I was originally inspired to write this while listening to 'Chop Suey' by System of a Down. My idea of what happened to Carlisle before, during and after his change. I originally wrote it to be a songfic for 'Chop Suey' but the first chapter works better if you listen to 'Mechanical World' by Spirit. Hope ya enjoy!!! **_

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"Father, these people are innocent. You're going on a whim, merely for the bloodlust." I said. I closed my eyes against the stinging sensation across my right cheek. He struck me again with the back of his hand, and I felt the welts begin to form where his fingernails hit me.

"Do not speak such blasphemous words! May God have mercy on your soul for caring for such vile creatures as those." He said with narrowed eyes.

"May God have mercy on _your _soul, father, for if you get to heaven you will need it." I replied coldly, glaring and stepping past him.

"Do not walk away from me." He said.

I squared my shoulders, turning to face him. "I hope that one day you see the error of your ways, until then I will refrain from speaking to you." I said.

"Are we to spend the rest of our time in this house not responding to the other then?" He asked.

I turned back to the door. "That is entirely up to you, _Father_." I said, and with that, I stepped out the door to the streets of London.

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I was not proud. This was my first 'hunt'. Father left me to carry on with his work, murdering innocent people for his self-gratification. I would lead the hunts, but never would I take another human life. That was against my nature. Something my father had not instilled in me.

"Remember men, no matter what these demons say, they are not to be trusted! They are tools of the devil! Grab your torches!" He said.

I walked at the front of the crowd, intending to do nothing while I was on this chase. I had found a true coven of vampires in my research, and led the large mob to them, allowing them to deal with the creatures. We heard a sound, and I stopped, turning to see two male vampires leap out of the sewer. One ran as they were discovered but the other stood, a smile on his face as he took in the group. The mob began running, but I stood my ground, frozen in place. My heart was pounding as my eyes locked with the gaze of the coven leader. I turned to run but he was in front of me before I had a chance.

A hiss rose from his throat, and he leapt on me. I landed on my back, the air rushing from my lungs. I pushed against the creature, trying not to expose my neck. He hissed again, crazed eyes widening and I saw the venom drip.

"NO!" I yelled, screaming when the sharp fangs pierced my skin.

A woman screamed and he looked up, going after her and leaving me bleeding in the street. I was going to bleed to death, so I crawled to an alley, falling in a cellar and breaking several crates when I landed.

I stayed where I was, lying on a pile of rotting vegetables. My limbs began to burn, and I thought this was the end. Death.

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'_Death falls so heavy on my soul. Death falls so heavy makes me moan. Somebody tell my father that I died.' – 'Mechanical World' -- Spirit_


	2. Animal I Have Become

_**Ah, chapter 2. Listen to Animal I Have Become by Three Days Grace, there should be some subtle hints for ya…enjoy! Chapter 3 will be 'Chop Suey' by System of a Down.**_

I had to be quiet, but it was difficult; the burning continued, my consciousness affected by the pain. This was surely hell, and I had known there was no possibility of heaven for me. Never would I meet my mother, show my father that I had worshipped in my own way and that it was acceptable. He had been right. Hell.

I don't know how long I had been unconscious, but I awoke, senses sharper and heightened. Surely I had died…or so I thought. I felt stronger, more agile, and there was a strange burning… realization hit me and a strangled sob made its way up my throat.

I hadn't died. I was one of them. A vampire.

I could not go back home, knowing my father would not spare me solely on the fact that I was his son. I heard a noise above me and realized there was someone coming.

"Momma, I don't like the cellar, there's something down there, and I don't want it to get me." If there hadn't been before, there was now. A young girl appeared at the cellar door, heading to some shelving units near the other side of the room.

Her scent was as if someone hit me in the stomach, there was an intense burning in my throat and a sweet taste flooding my mouth; venom.

Dread filled me.

A young girl would be my first victim.

I stopped breathing, tensed and watching for the young girl to go back up the stairs.

I sat for hours after that last ordeal, motionless as a statue.

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I was contemplating what needed to be done. I listened for any indication of footsteps outside the cellar, and when I was satisfied there was no one; I leapt out, running for the forest.

I needed to destroy myself, but the question was how? I found a barn near the forest with an ax, but that chipped the blade against my arm. I was becoming frustrated, and headed away from the barn. The cliffs were nearby, and I threw myself off. The ground came rushing to meet me, but my ascent slowed and I landed on my feet.

The river! Thames was close, so I ran to it, throwing myself into the water. I tried to drown myself only to find that I never needed to breathe.

I was invincible, immortal, undead. All the cursed things of the world coming together.

The most beautiful predator.

I was beginning to feel defeated.

I headed back to the forest, my senses assaulted with the smell of human blood again. I tensed, running as fast as I could to get away.

But, I realized I was running toward it and did all I could to change my course.

I would not succumb to weakness. I needed shelter. A thought struck me.

I couldn't kill myself by doing things physically, but what if I starved myself. Abstaining from blood until I was too weak to move.

I hoped there was somewhere I could stay, out of the way, unseen, where I could suffer in peace and hopefully perish. I found a cave and hid there. Starving was my last option, so I waited for days, weeks, feeling myself grow weaker, but never feeling as though I were close to death.

My hope died that day.

I could smell a heard of deer nearby, and I attacked without thinking. Blindly, like an animal I massacred the entire herd.

But it worked.

The blood replenished my strength; therefore I could go on without killing humans. That was the upside to this situation. I heard people coming, but before I knew it I was surrounded.

"Its Pastor Cullen's son!" I heard. Dread filled me. Their scents assaulted me, making my throat itch with thirst. I was severely outnumbered, and didn't intend to hurt any of them.

"Pastor, we found him!" I tensed, trying to control the bloodlust raging inside me.

The beast was clawing to get free. I kept my eyes closed the entire time.

"Carlisle, are you alright?" One man asked. None of them had noticed.

"No." I whispered.

The group closed in on me, and my eyes snapped open. A feral growl ripped up my throat, and I leapt up out of the circle.

"His eyes!" several men yelled.

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_'__So what if you can see the darkest side of me? No one will ever change this animal I have become.' – 'Animal I Have Become' -- Three Days Grace  
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	3. Chop Suey

_**So, now for 'Chop Suey'. Carlisle confronts God about what happened. What did ya think? Should I add more?**_

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I hadn't intended to go to the church, or find my father. I knelt down at a bench, eyes glaring up at the cross.

"What did I do to deserve this? What do I need to do to rectify myself?" I asked.

My head snapped around as the door opened.

"Carlisle." He said. He was too far away to notice my eyes, but I doubted that the men had let that tidbit of information slip by.

"You should not be in the House of the Lord." He said.

I hadn't intended him to find me, but he did. It was a stand-off…

"Are you going to kill me?" I asked.

He nodded. "I must. You are dangerous." He said.

"Father, I can control it. Allow me to leave." I said.

"No, you cannot. You are a vile creature, a servant of the devil. I must destroy you." He said.

I heard his intake of breath at the anger glinting in my menacing crimson eyes. "You can't keep me here. I can outrun you, outsmart you. Out-maneuver you…and if I were ruthless enough I could kill you." I said.

"One of us has to die. Either you let me destroy you, or you destroy me." He said.

"We will both walk away from this. You will never see me again. Ever." I said.

"No." He said.

My emotions were out of control. "Yes! You will not control me any longer! I am tired of obeying your orders!" I said, stepping closer to him.

"Where will you go?" He asked, eyes narrowed, searching.

"Away from here. From you." I said, turning.

"You will never be accepted anywhere. You are a murderer." He said.

Anger got the better of me, and I was in front of him in a flash, gripping the lapels of his coat. "NO!" I yelled, shaking him. "You are the murderer! You killed so many innocent humans! All of them slain because you thought you were a perfect judge of character!"

"God will have mercy!" He said, pointing to the cross.

"There is no god, and if there was he would have no more mercy on you than he has had on me!" I yelled.

"Blasphemy!!!" He yelled.

"NO!" I said, releasing my grip on his coat. I turned. "No! If there was a god, he would not have done this! Any of it. Mother would still be here. I would not have been changed into one of the damned, the undead. Forever cursed to walk the Earth feeding on my own kind. A monster!" I yelled.

"You must be destroyed." He said.

"I cannot! Do you not understand?! I've tried! Drowning, throwing myself off a cliff, bleeding to death, starving myself. None of it worked! I am still here! I still exist!" I roared, causing him to stand back. Venom pooled in my mouth with my anger.

"You must allow me to burn you." He said.

"NO!" I yelled, jumping through the stained glass window and out into the streets. I ran from there.

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_'Father into your hands, why have you forsaken me? In your eyes forsaken me, in your thoughts forsaken me, in your heart forsaken me?' – 'Chop Suey' System of a Down_


	4. Down With The Sickness

_**Okay, so Carlisle's running away from a problem…we all know that wouldn't really happen, but if I had been placed in his situation, I would have run… now we're going to see what happens several years later.**_

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I did as best as I could as I tried to relax into this life…well half-life. Things had changed for me, 50 years and eight cities later I was in Italy, in a city called Volterra.

A large coven of vampires resided here, and I hoped to get some sort of guidance. The leaders were brothers of sorts; Caius, Marcus and Aro, the latter of which was the most friendly. Caius was uninteresting and Marcus was solemn, somber even.

The three had greeted me in their castle of sorts, and Aro had been the most frontal. After shaking his hand, and the jolt of a lifetime, he stared at me with wide crimson eyes, enraptured and astonished at what I had done.

They had offered me a place to stay, and so I am here. And the feeling of entrapment has begun to claw at me, the terror only a caged animal feels. That is what I have become.

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My eyes were dark and I needed to hunt, but Aro wanted me to live my true nature.

He has offered humans, ones in the prime of their lives, with rich fragrant blood running through their veins. But I resisted, refusing the offer when they bring one in. It frustrated Marcus so that I continued on with my diet, my abstaining from human blood infuriating him.

Tonight I waited, watching for the square to clear before I leapt from my window. The beast in me almost took over today, Caius brought in a young boy, bleeding from several whip marks across his back, and a low hiss erupted from my throat.

I truly believe he wishes to see me break, but I refused him, balling up my fists and yelling for him to take the boy out of my room. I watched Caius go for the boy himself.

"No! You will not do that in my presence. I will not tolerate it. Leave the boy here and go." I said.

Caius continued to go for him, and I leapt, landing between them, growling loudly. He swiped at me, making contact with the side of my face.

"You will not tell me what to do in my own house, whelp!" He said.

I had a flashback as I felt his hand strike my face. It didn't hurt but to hit me in front of a human was supposed to be humiliating and offensive. His nails were like claws and I felt the marks he made on the side of my face.

Where his nails met my granite skin would be chiseled there, possibly for eternity. I turned to the window, hearing the sound of the door closing, but I could still hear his heart, loud wet thumping inside his chest. I turned back to him, hearing his heart beat faster and his breathing quicken, his eyes on the marks on my face.

"I don't want to hurt you." I said, walking behind him.

"I apologize for what he did, and for that…display of anger. I am trying to become more collected, but there is only so much I can do." I said.

"Why are you doing this?" He asked me as I poured a little antiseptic on a rag, carefully cleaning the wounds.

"I am trying to change my nature, or at least defy it." I said, glancing at his face in the mirror.

He was gaunt, dark circles around his eyes, his limbs frighteningly thin. He smiled slowly, looking out the window and shaking his head.

"What?" I asked.

He laughed. "I heard you arguing with the eldest about your choice of diet. Aro finds it intriguing, but Caius and Marcus are disgusted by it." He said.

I smiled.

"I know." I said.

"They fight me at every turn, but I don't want to be a monster." I said, standing up and walking to the window.

I continued to feel like a caged animal.

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My thoughts strayed to the boy as I hunted, the whip marks across his back. Anger consumed me again and I knew I must talk to Aro.

Caius and Marcus were becoming intolerable, and I knew that if I didn't say anything it would continue to get worse. I felt as though they were trying to hinder me from making progress.

I believed that if I were to leave, I might make some progress but I would never really understand what needed to be done.

I was independent and had no need for a companion, and I knew that if I offered to leave and take the boy with me that they would find us and kill us both…him for knowing what I was and myself for allowing the boy to know my deepest and darkest secret.

They would never understand what I have gone through, although Aro may see it in my mind's eye.

Never would they have the curiosity that sits at the back of my mind, waiting and observing. I wanted to help people, to be a healer, but in the present that was only a dream, albeit a waking dream.

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"Aro, it is my belief that my time has come to go, to be on my own." I said.

Aro looked slightly saddened at this.

"Carlisle my dear boy where will you go, surely you would not leave your family." He said.

I had felt that the three of them were like brothers to me, as well as their guard, but it was time for me to move on.

"I wish to see the New World." I said.

"The barbaric ruffians, they believe they can attempt to recreate what we have all over Europe." Marcus sneered, while Caius rolled his eyes.

"If that is what you wish then I will not stop you. I will, however, miss you greatly." Aro said.

"I shall miss you as well." I said with a sad smile.

He grinned, grabbing my hand and pulling me into a hug.

"Take care of yourself." He told me.

"And you." I replied.

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'_It seems what's left of my human side is slowly changing...in me. Will you give in to me?' – 'Down With The Sickness' Disturbed  
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	5. Get Free

_**Ah, America! That last chapter was hard for me to write, simply because I had no idea what to write. Hopefully I'll get Carlisle in his element. Enjoy!**_

America proved to be better than I had imagined, the chance at freedom, the ability to worship what one wanted to without the fear of an oppressive king. I feared I was the only one who believed it. Medical school in America was different as well; the material was more challenging, the professors a little less lenient.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed the challenge, and made fast friends. I met many people, many women, but none captivated me.

I traveled America for several decades, finding a coven of vampires who shared my diet. Tanya, Kate, Irina, Carmen and Eleazar were the members of the Denali coven, a coven which I found myself envying. I continued to move around the country, finally finding my place in Columbus, Ohio in the year 1901.

The year was now 1911, and I had been living in this little town for almost ten years and my time was almost up.

I had just come in for the night shift, taking my coat and bag to my office before heading out to greet any patients. Mr. and Mrs. Williams were down the hall, welcoming their child into the world. I walked down to greet them, asking them if they needed anything.

Mr. Williams shook his head, reaching for my hand and shaking it, despite the temperature of my hand.

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I walked back to the desk, checking over several of the patient files, when someone knocked at the door. I turned, heading for the door and reaching for the handle. I opened the door, shocked to see a fist raised.

I realized he was only meaning to knock again, and immediately recognized the look of panic on his face.

"Can I help you Mister…"

"Platt, Andrew Platt. Please, my daughter fell, and I believe her leg is broken." He said hurriedly.

I nodded, following him out to their car. I barely noticed the grimace on her face, only concentrating on the task at hand.

"Dr…"

"Cullen." I said.

"Thank you, for seeing us this late." He said.

I nodded. "May I?" I turned to his daughter, arms outstretched, motioning to pick her up. She nodded, a beautiful blush creeping up her neck to her face. Her blood was fragrant, the warm scent caressing my senses.

I picked her up, resting her left side against me.

"How is your leg?" I asked.

She blushed again, nodding her head and grimacing at the pain. This young woman was remarkably brave, or she was still in shock.

I took her into the exam room, setting her on the table and allowing her to relax a little.

"Dr. Cullen."

"Please, call me Carlisle." I said, almost a little too quickly. She nodded.

I studied her face, her eyes, large and a beautiful emerald color; her perfect Roman nose and lips that formed an easy smile. For a sixteen year old girl, she was exceptional, strikingly beautiful.

"Well, Miss Platt, you seem to have done a number on yourself. May I ask what you did?" I asked.

She blushed again.

"I was climbing a tree…and it's Esme." She said; a slight grin on her lips.

I smiled in return. "Climbing a tree…Esme, you're very adventurous, aren't you?" I asked.

She nodded. "My parents were very unhappy. My mother says it's unladylike, and my father only wants to preserve me to marry me off. Of course, there's the little matter of it being an arranged marriage." She said.

I nodded. "It's just so frustrating. It seems like they don't care about me, like I'm merely a burden for them." She said.

"My father was much the same way." I said, startling myself. I never talked about my past with anyone; there were always too many questions.

"What about your mother?" She asked.

"My mother died in childbirth. It was my father and I growing up." I said.

A sad look crossed her face. "I'm sorry." She said.

"Don't apologize, it's alright." I said, not wanting to see such a saddened expression on her face. "I'll need to check the break. I apologize, this may hurt a little." I said, trying to be as gentle as possible.

She started.

"I'm sorry." I said.

"No, you didn't hurt me. Your hands, they're cold." She said.

I swallowed inadvertently. "Hospitals don't do much for temperature." I said, giving her a small smile.

"Well, you know what they say…" She said.

I raised my eyebrows.

"Cold hands, warm heart." She finished, smiling bashfully.

My long dead heart skipped a beat.

This was preposterous, but I felt as though something inside me had changed.

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_'I wanna get free, I wanna get free, I wanna get free right into the sun.' – 'Get Free' The Vines_


	6. Outside

**Okay! Sorry its been so long...class is kicking my butt. Well here's the next chapter! Hope you enjoy. Please review!!!**

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Seven years later I was working in a hospital in Chicago, when the Spanish Influenza hit the nation. I was weary, bitter and angry at myself for the loss of life. Surely I could save some of them; my job was about saving lives, though my existence was to take them away. My thoughts often strayed to Columbus, to Esme Platt. I wondered what she would be like today, no longer sixteen, a woman. I sighed as I rose from my chair, glancing around the stark office before heading back to my patients.

The Masen's were a family of three, Edward Sr., Elizabeth, and their son Edward. Edward was better off than his parents, both of them currently occupying a hospital bed while he sat in a chair next to them.

"How are they, doc?" he asked.

I nodded. "We're doing everything we can, but it doesn't look good." I said quietly.

I saw something flash across his face, and his lip tremble. I felt the lump in the back of my throat.

"I apologize. I should be handling this better." He said.

My heart went out to him, the young man who had to grow up too quickly. "No, don't apologize. It's affecting you, and it should." I said.

He nodded. "Go get yourself something to eat, and then try to get some rest. It's been a long day for you."

He tensed at that, looking between his parents and then to me.

I nodded. "I'll stay with them until you get back, my shift ends in a few minutes."

He nodded, standing and heading toward the door. He turned, catching my gaze, piercing green eyes looking at me. "Dr. Cullen, thank you." He said, turning back to the door.

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I was called back on duty, but this time it had nothing to do with taking care of a patient. I was angered, mentally filing away another death as I watched them wheel away Mr. Masen. Now Edward had taken his father's place, the same plaguing disease attacking him just as it had his father.

I stood outside the door, watching the nurse check over Edward and his mother, nodding when she stepped outside to join me. I walked in, leaning over Elizabeth's prone form, checking her over quietly. Her hand reached out and snagged the front of my doctor's coat, tugging weakly on it.

"Dr. Cullen." She wheezed; her green eyes cloudy and glazed over with fever.

"I'm here, Mrs. Masen." I replied, placing a hand on hers on the lapel of my coat.

"Save him." She said. "Save him as only you can."

My eyes widened slightly, glancing between Edward and his mother.

I swallowed, nodding. "I will, Mrs. Masen, I promise you." I said. She nodded and closed her eyes, taking one last raspy breath, and she was gone.

I leaned down to Edward, whispering in his ear. "I'm going to take the sickness from you, there will be pain, but it will be over, and you will feel better." I said.

I saw him nod, swallowing and closing his eyes. I tilted his head away, holding his jaw so he couldn't turn his head, and pressed my mouth against his neck, sinking razor sharp teeth into the flesh there.

His blood sickened me, the taste of the illness sharpening its taste. Part of me had to hold back, had to keep myself from finishing him off. I rinsed my mouth in the basin on the dresser, spitting the remnants of blood into it and turning back to him.

I picked him up effortlessly, checking the hallways and making a break for it, rushing out the doors of the hospital and heading to my home.

As soon as I reached my front yard he was screaming, the venom burning through his bloodstream and wreaking havoc on his systems.

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Three agonizing days later, Edward Masen opened his eyes, no longer the sharp green color; a startling crimson taking their place. I had taken him, created a companion, a son. My existence had been lonely, now I had hope.

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"_But I'm on the outside, And I'm looking in, I can see through you, See your true colors" – Outside, Staind_


	7. Fell In Love With A Girl

**WOO!!! Two uploads in a row...trying to get as much of this story in as possible. I've had horrible writer's block for a while, and adding that to class and work hasn't exactly helped...Enjoy.

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**Edward's newborn year was close to unbearable, he was moody and temperamental but once he was past it we were fine. He was now into his third year of life as a vampire, and we were staying in a little town in Wisconsin called Ashland. I was in my tenth year of working at the Ashland Medical center.

I went in to work at six pm, my usual schedule and signed in at the front desk. My shift had been uneventful until well after midnight. Two heart attack victims and a fatal stabbing later I peeled off my latex gloves and prepared to go home.

"Dr Cullen?" One of the nurses asked.

"Yes?"

It was Ruby, the only nurse in the hospital who had enough sense to leave well enough alone with me. "Dr Andrews left early, and we had a body come into the morgue, they need you down there to confirm it and sign the death certificate." She said, to which I nodded politely.

"Thank you, Ruby." I said and headed down to the morgue.

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_Something's strange…_I thought, stepping closer to the morgue door. There was a heartbeat, and I walked in, slightly startled as I heard it louder.

The medics were there, one stepping forward to explain. "She was found at the bottom of the cliff, suicide. We don't know where her family is located…" He said.

I nodded, screaming inwardly when I recognized the scent. _It can't be her…please God, don't let it be her!_ "Alright, I'll take it from here." I said.

They nodded and left quickly. I looked down on the woman, my fear confirmed as an intense feeling of loss hit me quickly.

It _was_ Esme Platt…ten years and one child later.

I could only wonder what happened to the beautiful vibrant girl I had treated back in Ohio, but she had certainly been replaced by the marred beauty lying on the morgue slab.

Her right arm was broken in three places, her pelvis broken, as was her spine. Her ribs were collapsed, and she was losing blood, far too quickly.

Her scent assailed me again as it had ten years previous…something I had written Aro about. I was surprised to find he knew about such things, and that the 'condition' was known as _La Tua Cantante_, or Blood Singer. The words _soul mate_ swirled in my mind as I reread the letter from Aro from memory.

I had described this extraordinary creature to him, telling him everything about her.

I knew above the others that I could trust Aro, that my curiosity wouldn't be displaced.

I picked her up carefully, hoping she was unconscious enough not to feel the pain I was obviously inflicting on her…but it was about to get worse.

_Edward, you should leave…leave the house. _ I told him as I walked up the front steps, through the door and carrying her up to my bedroom.

I closed the door, locking it behind me, and went to the bedside, sitting on the edge.

Esme's eyes opened slightly, her cracked lips parting. I brushed a hand across her cheek, whispering softly against her ear.

"Esme, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me." I turned back to the closed door, hearing Edward's hiss, returning my attention to the beautiful woman dying before me.

I brushed my lips against hers, pressing a soft kiss against the skin of her throat, and opened my mouth. Her skin was soft, its warmth caressing my lips. My teeth sliced through her skin easily, her blood flooding my mouth.

I pulled away, glaring at the door as Edward shifted nervously, an anxious hiss on his lips.

I turned back to her, my mind clouded with a red haze, and I felt her stir beneath me, arching her neck against my mouth. I held her jaw gently, growling unconsciously as the taste of my _La Tua Cantante_ irritated the burn in my throat with my refusal to quench the thirst.

I felt the red haze slipping, and several twinges of pain. It was completely unnatural…to feel such a thing.

I couldn't focus, the pain became more unbearable, and I realized what was happening. My mind had linked to hers, allowing me to experience her pain, dizziness.

I allowed more of her blood to fill my mouth, refusing to swallow, feeling myself losing control…If I didn't stop now, I would kill her. But for some reason, my control was gone.

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"_Fell in love with a girl, I fell in love once and almost completely" – Fell In Love With A Girl, The White Stripes_


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